Brian	Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
Brian	Excuse me, would you like to taste my smoked meat log?
Brian	You got anything on that remote lower than Mute?
Brian	Hey, if every woman dumped her husband for crashing a blimp into the Superbowl, no one would be married.
Brian	If I could find a midget with some gin, I'd be in business.
Chris	God's watching me do number two? Oh man, I'm a sinner. God's a pervert.
Chris	I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz.
Chris	Cheesy Charlie's is great. They have a game where you put in a dollar and you get four quarters. I win every time.
Chris	It'll be a good chance to get away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet.
Chris	Hi, my name is Chris. Mom and dad said that I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight and not say "poop". Oh god. What have I done?
Chris	Here, it's a Candy-cane. But don't stick it up your nose, it burns like hell.
Chris	If I had a hole in my neck, I'd put pennies in it!
Lois	Chris, that's a terrible word. Nipple.
Lois	Chris, that's a terrible word. Pussywillow.
Lois	Now Meg, there's no need to get testes. I mean testy. Nuts. I mean crap.
Lois	I'll be just like Hillary Clinton, only you know, without the penis.
Lois	It's like I always tell the kids: "Quitters never win" and "Don't trust Whitey".
Peter	You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.
Peter	Holy crip, he's a crapple.
Peter	Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.
Peter	NOOOOOO. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?
Peter	Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
Peter	Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
Peter	Holy crap... Did anyone else feel that?
Peter	Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.
Peter	Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white mans dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.
Peter	I love Mexicans, I'll do it.
Peter	If I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.
Peter	At least they don't put their feminine ointments next to the mustard, Lois. That was the worst hot dog I ever ate.
Peter	Oh, and sorry about that comment earlier. I have that disease that makes you swear involuntarily. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. See?
Peter	I call it... Petoria. I was going to call it Peterland, but that gay bar by the airport took it.
Peter	YEAH. I'm also addicted to boobies.
Peter	This is the kind of place God would go to if He had to stop doing blow.
Peter	Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of cliches.
Peter	I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Peter	Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a brewery.
Peter	Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
Peter	Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
Peter	Hey, I'm supposed to be the hero here. Come on. Well, can I just pistol whip you guys a couple of times for the camera?
Peter	It's OK, Meg. Your mom is full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to take down an elephant.
Peter	We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids. Help me scatter garbage on the front lawn.
Peter	Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they've been that way ever since they came over to this country from France.
Peter	And this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock.
Peter	Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up.
Peter	Lois, the bar has been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, no-good, tea-sucking British bastards.
Peter	You wanna talk about awkward moments? Once, during sex, I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock.
Peter	I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.
Peter	You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds. But you know...uh... I always think, who the hell decided tulips were so great?
Peter	If I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A child molester, and I'll be damned if I stand here and get lectured by pervert.
Peter	Quiet, sweetie. Men are talking.
Peter	Make like Siamese twins and split... and then one of you die.
Quagmire	Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8... and home by 11.
Quagmire	Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love too... but they got to pay.
Quagmire	Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together.
Quagmire	Wait, hold the phone, you took me away from a Swedish girly-girl and her paralyzed but trusting cousin for this?
Quagmire	Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.
Quagmire	Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys. Where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I. 
Quagmire	Hey Peter, you can't drink that outside. You're gonna end up in jail. And not the good jail you see on Cinemax. The man jail.
Quagmire	HEY GET THE HELL OFF MY... well hello lips, legs, breasts, and ass.
Quagmire	Hey, any of you ladies been penetrated?
Quagmire	The Griffins. Bunch of card-carrying Commies if you ask me. Alright.
Stewie	Damn you, vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb.
Stewie	No sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.
Stewie	Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.
Stewie	Damn you, broccoli.
Stewie	So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"
Stewie	Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink".
Stewie	Do these huggies make my ass look big?
Stewie	OH. mmm yes oh god this is better than SEX.
Stewie	Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers.
Stewie	Oh! I feel so delightfully white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet!
Stewie	Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.
Stewie	Oh, I hate it when your mother worries. She usually says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep."
Stewie	For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny.
Stewie	Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's loismustdie@yahoo.com.
Stewie	Why don't you burn in hell.
Stewie	Forecast for tomorrow; A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom.
Stewie	Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a bitch.
Stewie	You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.
Stewie	Did you forge my name? How dare you. Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight.
Stewie	Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.
Stewie	This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans. 
Stewie	What are you looking at? Damn you all... and such.
Stewie	Heavens, it appears that my weewee has been stricken with rigor mortis!
Stewie	Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."
Stewie	Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.
Stewie	Make sure there's a fresh copy of Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.
Stewie	I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
Stewie	Damn the toilet. It's made slaves of you all. It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society.
Stewie	I love God. He's so deliciously evil.
Stewie	Soooo Broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. But I'm afraid I'm no good for you.
Stewie	Blast I thought I had more time. Keeping people from having sex is more difficult than I thought. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. BA-ZING.
Stewie	Careful! You're washing a baby's scalp, not scrubbing the vomit out of a Christmas dress, you stupid holiday drunk.
Stewie	HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh! Excluding that first "ha".
Stewie	My god, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed in on himself like a neutron star.
Stewie	Look at him. He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?
Stewie	It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.